How Dare You Not Subscribe
The planet is literally on fire. And by "literally" we mean "according to models that we've adjusted several times." But that's not important. What's important is that YOU make sacrifices while we fly private jets to climate conferences in Davos.
"Just like chicken, if you don't think about it"
All the protein of meat, with 100% more exoskeleton. Kids love the crunch!
Now with 40% fewer visible legs
Perfect for smoothies, salads, or eating alone in your pod while contemplating your carbon footprint.
Sustainability in every sip
Why exploit coffee farmers when you can exploit insects? Fair trade certified (we asked the bugs, they didn't say no).
Beef is destroying the planet. Your ancestors survived on bugs. Sure, they also died at 30, but they died sustainably.
Remote work from your 200 sq ft micro-apartment! You don't need space — you need purpose. Your 15-minute city has everything you need within walking distance: a bug dispensary, a carbon credit kiosk, and a communal crying room.
Possessions are so 20th century. Subscribe to your toothbrush. Lease your pants. You'll be happy — we'll make sure of it.
This step is still being determined by the World Economic Forum. Please await further instructions.
For just $49.99/month, we'll plant a tree somewhere. Probably. Look, we'll definitely think about trees while depositing your money. The important thing is you'll feel better, and isn't that what saving the planet is really about?
"The science is settled. It was settled differently last year, and it'll be settled differently next year, but right now? Settled."
— A Scientist Who Wants More Grant Money"I took a yacht across the Atlantic to reduce emissions. The support crew flew commercial, but that's different somehow."
— Climate Activist, Age 16-21 (varies by news cycle)200 sq ft of sustainable living. No kitchen (you'll eat bugs, remember?), no parking (you won't own a car), but plenty of natural light from your window that faces another building's window.
Each month, receive a curated selection of insects you can't identify! Is it a cricket? A locust? A small cockroach? Part of the fun is not knowing!
Stop asking questions. Questions are carbon-intensive.
Rules for thee, not for me. It's called leadership.
Then you want the planet to die. Why do you want the planet to die? We're adding you to a list.